


you know what happens next

by alrightamanda



Category: Crooked Media RPF
Genre: Fluff and Humor, Just Cracking Myself Up, M/M, Rant Wheel, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:44:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22297102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alrightamanda/pseuds/alrightamanda
Summary: If anyone was going to teach Jon Lovett's daughter to swear he's glad it was her uncles.
Relationships: Ronan Farrow/Jon Lovett
Comments: 12
Kudos: 80





	you know what happens next

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Carsie for yelling about this nonsense with me and thanks to Ana for proof-reading!

“Now it’s time for the Rant Wheel!”

The crowd’s energy is electric tonight. Emily Heller agreed to do another Jon and Emily Spectacular and it's been a loose show so far, but nothing so egregious that it can't be trimmed down by Saturday. Now all they need to do is get through the rant wheel. 

“You know how it works: we spin the wheel and, whatever it lands on, we rant about the topic. This week on the wheel we have: ‘Friends Asking You To Babysit’, ‘Mark Zuckerberg’s Exploratory Committee’, ‘Daycare Politics’, ‘Falling Asleep in Your Kid’s Bed’, ‘Raising Succulents’, ‘Pundits’, ‘Foul Mouthed Uncles’, and ‘Consent’. Let’s! Spin! The wheel!”

The audience cheers as the digital wheel spins on the screen, growing in volume as it lands on Emily’s topic of choice.

“It has landed on 'Friends Asking You To Babysit'. Emily, take it away.”

“Alright! As you could probably tell by the Everything About Me, I do not have kids, on purpose.”

The audience yells their support and Emily stands up to bow dramatically while Jon laughs into his microphone. 

“I do not have kids and that was a choice I made. Not because I don’t like kids, but because I have zero desire to be responsible for another human being. Especially one that is so very dependent on you for everything. I love spending time with my friends’s kids but I also love giving the kid back at the end of the night."

She pauses to let her words sink in before continuing, “I love spending time with my friends’s kids and I don’t mind watching the rugrats every once in a while, but _some_ of my friends need to get better at asking etiquette. Every social interaction has rules! And there are rules for how and when you ask your childless friends to watch your offspring!”

Emily stops to turn her whole body towards Jon, making sure that he’s not looking away and has her full attention.

“For those of you listening at home, because this is an auditory medium, Emily has turned her whole self towards me and is making uncomfortably intense eye contact.”

“If you need me to watch your kids: You don’t have to make something up! Just ask!” She enunciates the last words and the crowd laughs in agreement. 

“I don’t care _why_ you want me to watch them! I really don’t! But don’t lie to me and say that you and your husband have to ‘_run and meet with the accountant_’ because, ‘_even partially merging your finances has turned into a disaster_’ and you both ‘_have to run and won’t be back until 8pm can we bring the kid over now?_’ and ‘_thank you so much Emily you’re the best_’ when you know, perfectly well, that you are NOT meeting with your accountant! You and your husband are going to see a very violent movie that you could never bring your two-year old to see and then heading back to a quiet, empty house to FUCK for the next 3 hours! I really do not care! You can do with your time as you please! But don’t lie to me and make me think there’s strife in your marriage, when things couldn’t be better, just because you want to get laid without a toddler in the other room!”

The room is screaming their approval by the time Emily finishes her rant, her eyes remaining on Jon the entire time.

“Jon has gone so red he could be his own heat source right now. If you think that story was a little too specific, it was.”

“Alright!”

“This wouldn’t happen if you just told the truth, Jon! There’s no shame in getting laid!”

“There is absolutely nothing I can add that will not get me in trouble! Let’s spin it again!”

The wheel spins again to laughter and applause. 

“It has landed on ‘Foul Mouthed Uncles’ and this is where we’ll end it for tonight,” Jon punctuates this by throwing his remaining notecards at his feet. 

“You know, the best part about having a popular weekly podcast recorded live is that, even though you are technically putting on a successful comedy show every week, none of your friends feel like they have to come to the recordings, which are, again, recorded live, at actual comedy clubs, to sold out crowds.” 

“Oh are they, Jon?”

“They are, Emily. I’m very popular. Which is weird for me because I was never accused of being popular until I started podcasting, of all things.”

“Well, rest assured, I would never accuse you of popularity.”

“I appreciate that. And I appreciate all of you for coming to the late show tonight!”

The audience cheers at their honorable mention and Jon lets their energy bolster him into getting a few more digs in, “Even just for support! ‘_We can just listen to the show, we don’t have to be there for the recording!_’ Well jokes on them because now I get to tell a story! A story about something that happened this week, and none of them are here to argue about it! Jon, Tommy, this will teach you not to skip Lovett or Leave It, especially when I specifically ask you to be here!”

The crowd ‘_aw’s_ in support and Jon blushes before rebuking them with his usual reminder, “Don’t pity me, my life is amazing.”

“But _why_ did I want Jon and Tommy here tonight of all nights? Because this particular rant has everything to do with them and I wanted both of them to be here so I could look them in the eyes as I lay their crimes before them.”

“If you have listened to this show at all over the last few years, you know that I am a parent. My husband and I have a two-year old whom we love with our whole souls - frankly, it’s a bit ridiculous how much we would do for that kid, but I’m surrounded by people who feel the same and who among us isn’t susceptible to group-think?”

“Here’s the thing, I am not a perfect father,” at the over-dramatic gasps from Emily and the crowd he continues, “Please, I know that is shocking to hear, but here’s something that will really shock you, neither is Ronan. Which is funny, because the press really thought bringing our infant daughter to interview Epstein’s killer was the most adorable and perfect way to get their guard down, but I let her eat Taco Bell ONCE and it was on Page Six within the hour! Whatever! It’s fine! I’m perfectly okay with being criticized publicly! It doesn’t keep me up at night and haunt my waking hours _at all!_”

“Jon, what does literally any of this have to do with your rant?”

“BUT - as I was going to say before I was interrupted - we have been so good about not cursing around the baby. This life of never-cursing is not a natural state for us! It’s probably one of the few real personal habit adjustments we have had to make as parents!”

“Not going out? We’ve always preferred staying home. Waking up early for the baby? Ronan is an early riser and I was used to taking Pundit out at any hour she deemed necessary. Honestly, having Pundit already changed most of our habits, so the adjustments we made for the baby were more about routine than real behaviors.”

“But now. All of that hard work, all of the times we had to choke back our words - which is, again, didn’t know if you could tell this about Ronan and I, but holding back is NOT something we are good at naturally - has been RUINED by a couple of Tom Brady Enthusiasts!”

“I had Lilith with me at work yesterday, because Ronan was busy and she loves the Crooked offices and there are plenty of bodies to keep an eye on her if I cannot. Around 1pm Travis and I sequester ourselves away to write some lovely jokes for all of you, and Jon and Tommy agree to watch Lils while she continues coloring on the couch in our office. Jon’s prepping for the Thursday pod with Tommy’s help. Normal, everyday stuff. What could possibly go wrong?”

“Are you going to tell us?”

“I am, Emily. Thank you for asking.”

“You’re very welcome, Jon.”

“So Jon and Tommy are chatting about the pod outline when one of them, doesn’t matter who or why, says ‘_this is so fucked up._’ And the other replies, ‘_I know man I can’t believe this fucking_ _guy is still haunting us._’”

The audience makes a collective noise of outrage, which Jon jumps on, “Yes! You are all correct to have that reaction! Because do you know what happens next? What happens is that my baby girl, the innocent apple of my eye, repeats back the new word her horrible uncles just taught her.”

“But the real kicker is that her beloved uncles, upon realizing their error, tell her to LIE to her OWN FATHER and not say where she learned it and to never repeat that word around them ever again! So do you know what happens when we arrive at home? If you have ever met a two-year old you know what she does. My precious daughter, toddles into the house yesterday, and immediately screams ‘_FUCK!’_ at her unsuspecting fathers.”

“We were _shocked_ \- shocked I tell you! Who would have the _audacity_ to teach _my _kid a swear word? After we snap out of it, Ronan and I turn to each other and say ‘_it wasn’t me!’_ which is objectively funny but we were so shocked we didn’t know what else to say! What do you say when the most angelic two-year old is chasing the dog around the living room chanting ‘fuck’ over and over and over again? No, really, what do you say, because we were at a loss for words! Again, _not_ a natural state for us!”

“It takes very little time to realize the culprits are my two nefarious co-founders. How did we figure it out? Our amazing baby told us. One session of intense eye contact with Ronan and she folded like a taco. Which is understandable, really, I don’t know if any of you have been questioned by Ronan Farrow before, but it is an intense experience.”

“My mother calls me today. Middle of the day, _‘Oh Jonathan. I knew this was going to happen with your child. Your nephew -_‘ and, no, I’m not going to say his name because that’s none of your business - _’Your nephew was like that, of course he was older-‘_ And that’s the thing. It _wasn’t_ going to be like that with my kid. It wasn’t! Now I have to be an inferior parent to my sister? Which I don’t mind, because she’s awesome, but c’mon!”

“Not ten minutes later, my mother-in-law calls me. It is _still the middle of the day! _I am an adult! With a job! At work! In meetings! And you may be thinking, _‘Was this a coordinated attack_?’ Yes, but I like my mother-in-law, so I answer the phone anyway. And instead of the deep layers of guilt I received from my own mother, for something that was NOT my fault, Mia just laughs as she tells me about how fucking _Cher_ was the one who taught Ronan how to swear! And how - and this is absolutely true - Ronan immediately went up to _Madonna_ and told her to ‘_Fuck Off_’. MADONNA! Apparently she found him adorable and charming and taught Ronan how to roll down her stockings. Which he does cite as the moment he knew he was not straight.”

“Am I glad that my daughter gets to spend time with her uncles? Yes. Do I like that she’s always surrounded by people who love her? Of course. Did I want to wait a few years for her to learn swears? Yeah, a bit! But I have to say, at least my kid learned how to curse from crazy uncles like _GOD INTENDED_!”

“And that’s our show! I want to thank Emily Heller, The Improv, Nancy Pelosi, Ronan Farrow, all of you for coming out! Have a great night!”

* * *

When the episode airs, Jon’s rant is immediately clipped and posted. Ronan quote-tweets it, commenting, “Hmm.”

Jon instantly replies, “Lovetts are Salt of the Fucking Earth, Farrow!”


End file.
